


Beat Playing in My Heart

by theshipstorulethemallwrites



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Canon Compliant, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 02:20:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9798191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshipstorulethemallwrites/pseuds/theshipstorulethemallwrites
Summary: The journey to knowing she's in love begins with watching him at peaceor 5 times Clarke watches Bellamy sleep  + 1 time Bellamy watches Clarke sleep





	1. You Keep Me Safe, You Keep Me Sane, You Keep Honest

She doesn’t want to wake him up and she almost doesn’t need to. The sight of him, sleeping, calms her down enough so she can breath a little easier. She can go back to writing the list they had spent hours discussing on the way back from the decrypted bunker. As she fiddles down with the pen, she pays attention to the rain pounding against the ark and feels the panic of all the awful decisions she has to make overwhelm her. She scribbles the name Kim Ginsburg, a talented carver, she understands that they will need artists and other people who are creative to keep them from going completely out of their minds. She looks around, sees the globe resting on the table and her gaze is automatically drawn to Bellamy. 

He’s just so  _ beautiful _ . She sucks in a breath as she gazes at him, his jacket is off and she can see just how strong his arms are. Arms that are strong from building and carrying the weight of both of their sins and she itches to sketch him, the smooth lines of his face, the way his eyes flutter shut, the way his hand is resting against his holster but not quite. The moment is quiet and she feels safe for the first time in a long time, it doesn’t matter that the radiation will kill them, that’s she deciding who lives and dies like she’s god, he’s here. And she needs him to be here. She nods, nearly breaking as she writes his name, taking the time to curl the y of his name. 

She meant what she said all those months ago, during that awful fight when she’d ripped her own heart out. She could leave as long as she knows that Bellamy is with them, he’ll carry their legacy with him and she can’t think of anyone else she trusts more. She thinks about this last name, there are so so many other people who deserve it more than her but she can’t imagine herself without Bellamy. She’s already left him once and she knows very well that her leaving nearly destroyed him, because it cut off a part of herself as well. She rubs her hand over face, tears starting to fall as she realizes with a jolt, she loves him.

She can’t picture herself surviving even a moment without him and oh _god_ does that scare her. It frightens her so much that she lets herself break. She hears Bellamy and nearly wants to scream because she loves him and she needs him know. But he doesn’t let her because he looks at the list sitting at the table, the one with his name and not hers and he says something that nearly obliterates every shred of doubt that she loves this man.

“If I’m on that list, you’re on the list.”

He says, so soft and sure and she knows that if she writes her name she won’t be able to finish because he doesn’t understand, she’s so much worse than him. She doesn’t even deserve to have her name be written on any list, much less this one. 

“Bellamy, I can’t.”

She doesn’t even realize that she’s speaking until her voice breaks and the room falls silent as he gazes at her with a look of pure determination. 

His voice is forceful and commanding yet there’s a hint of desperation, a hint she can only pick up because she knows what he sounds like when he’s begging, she heard it in the cave, as he says, “Write it down, write it down or I will.”

She can’t, she can’t write down her name with the same certainty that she wrote every other name, especially his and she nearly stops breathing as he picks up the pen and writes down her name. The fierceness in his eyes as he looks at her as he finishes writing her name makes her want to run away from him and kiss him at the same time. It's so frustrating. She looks at the list and realizes that, yeah, that’s right. Their names will be written in each other’s hand, a reminder to anyone reading this in the future that they were each other’s, that she was made up of parts of her and parts of him. 

“What now?” she asks because even as she looks at him, so beautiful and devout and she wants to fall to her knees and worship him, she can’t forget that they have a duty. That they wrote this list like they do all things, together but that they just decided who lives and dies. She wants to laugh, that’s the one thing they agreed on at the beginning of this whole fucked up journey that has only brought them bloody crowns and broken hearts, that they should never be in charge of that. 

“We put it away and hope we never have to use it.”

_ Hope. _

How in the world can he still have hope? The entire world is going up in flames, Raven is directing her barbs to them, and she feels everyone she cares about slowly slipping away. 

“You still have hope?” she asks, hoping that her voice doesn’t shake as much as her heart does. She can be vulnerable with him, but even as she has her limits. She can’t completely break down in front him, she refuses to ask him to carry even more of her brokenness, he already holds to much.

“We still breathing?” He responds, a trademark awful Bellamy joke that makes her lips quirk up into a smile but she can’t respond to that because yes she’s still breathing but she’s coming to discover that minute he stops, she will too. So she looks at the list, looks at their names, written in each other’s hand and it feels like a vow. A vow that he won’t leave her, that she won’t leave him. The pause is worrying enough to him, when did he learn to read her so well, that he puts his hands on her shoulder and squeezes, firm and safe. His nails nearly dig into her skin and she feels present, she feels here and she needs him to know. She grabs his hand and his expression doesn’t change. He isn’t getting it. So she reaches down and nuzzles into their combined hands, god she feels desperate but she also feels more safe than she’s ever felt so it comes a surprise when he speaks.

“Get some sleep.” 

She finds herself agreeing and pulling her hand out of his because wow, she hasn’t slept since that short nap in the Rover on the way back here hours ago. He removes his hand and suddenly all the burdens fall back on her like a ton of bricks and he turns to leave. No, he can’t leave her. He wrote her name down, he can’t leave her, he doesn’t know she loves him. He has to know.

So she watches him walk away from her and she knows that she’s not hiding how much she wants, no,  _ needs _ , him. She knows that if he would just, dammit Bellamy, turn around, he’d see clearly. But he doesn’t and she’s left staring at her name, how perfectly right it looks and she can’t shake the feeling that something monumental just shifted. 

  
  



	2. Good Enough For Someone

It’s a quiet moment, when Clarke stumbles on Bellamy resting on the couch, mouth open and drooling a little. She just wants to rest, she’s so bone tired that she’s likely to collapse if anyone tries to make her think about the end of the world. The last time she slept without waking up screaming from nightmares, always about Bellamy dying recently, was at Niylah’s, sexed out and sore but utterly unsatisfied. Bellamy is relaxed and calm and more open then she has ever seen him.His limbs are sprawled out, one hand falling to the side, nearly touching the floor. His boots are kicked off and she almost doesn’t recognize this Bellamy but god, she can’t not draw him. She pulls out her sketchbook, settling in by the desk and beginning to outline his face.  As she draws, she realizes that he kinda looks like what she always imagined Percy Jackson to look like. He has the barely coiled rage and power, the hair that flops over his face, messy and gorgeous. 

Nah, she’s just tired and stressed and she finally has a moment to herself and she’s letting herself get lost in the memories of reading those books with Wells when she was 12. The books that never fail to make her laugh every time she even thinks of that chapter title, “I Become the Supreme Lord of the Bathroom.” Giggling, she continues drawing, trying to silence herself even though her laugh is something that doesn’t sound familiar anymore.  She glances at him again and notices that his eyes are fluttering open and she just, she can’t help herself.

“You drool in your sleep.”

Bellamy lets out a laugh, his face lighting up and looking younger than she has ever seen him. 

“Do you have a yankees cap because I didn’t see you come in?”

Clarke smiles, shaking her head as she quickly flips the page of the sketchbook. Is he flirting with her? Was that a line? She can’t tell and she desperately wants to respond with something equally as cheesy just be sure.

Suddenly, interrupting what could have been a very funny, illuminating and relaxing conversation, Abby walks in. 

“Clarke, I need to talk to you.”

Bellamy moves to leave but Clarke shakes her head, catching his arm and saying, softly, "You’re not getting away from me, never again. You understand?”

He nods, looking slightly shocked before he smirks at her and responds, “Ok, wise girl.”

At the classic nickname of the classic couple, Clarke just wants to kiss him and _wow_ when did that start. When did his messy hair, his strong arms, when did his stupid half smirk that she only saw when she was with him just make her want shove him against the nearest wall and kiss him? When did that start being something that she thought of nearly everyday ever since that day with the list where he wrote her name and looked at her like she held the universe in her hand?

She turns around, back to her mother and the moment fades away as she sees the pinched look on Abby’s face. Of, course her mother wants to talk about the list and the chaos it is creating but she is reminded of yet another problem as Abby speaks.

“What are we going to do about Roan?”

Clarke frowns, in what world is Roan a key concern right now. And then she glances at Bellamy, sees the barely healed scars, is reminded that she had stumbled on one of the few times she’d seen him rest and she grows angry. Her frown shifts from one of confusion to one of rage because Roan of all people should understand what touching Bellamy turns her into. He knows that Bellamy is the one thing that makes her beg and he should understand that if you touch him, you die  _ screaming _ . 

At least that’s what she wishes could happen but, no, for the sake for stupid politics and already broken alliances, she has to play nice.

“Nothing.” Bellamy says, and at once both Clarke and Abby turn to face him, raising twin eyebrows of surprise and concern. They had almost forgotten he was there, so focused on their own thoughts.

“What do you mean by nothing,” Clarke demands, voice low and angry, “he hurt  _ you _ .”

Abby raises an eyebrow and that Bellamy shakes his head.

“Clarke, if you were to kill everyone who ever hurt me, everything single person in this camp would basically be dead, including you.”

Clarke frowns, how many times has she caused him pain. As she runs through the past sixth months through her memory, she realizes that she, outside of Octavia and Echo, have hurt him the most. She silently promises to kill herself before she willingly hurts him again. She won’t send him away without him knowing as even him gone for a few days in Polis had rattled her to a point where she had made some really stupid choices. Like the public fallout of the list and fighting what was clearly a losing battle with Monty that had ended with some really harsh words. She misses him, he offers an important frame of mind that’s needed to make these decisions but now he won’t look at her or Bellamy. Abby looks between both of them, eyes wide with a hint of confusion.

“You didn’t hear, but..”

“Hear what?” Clarke asks, turning to face her mother, arms crossed at her chest.

“Echo of Azegeda was discovered in these walls, spying on us.”

“Echo.” Bellamy states flatly, voice a mixture of fury and pain.

“She’s here?” Clarke asks, wanting desperately to ask who found out but knowing that Bellamy needs to be taken to her and he needs to deal with her, she refrains. After all, they all know from Polis that if Echo respects any of the Sky People, she respects Bellamy. With that bomb dropped, Abby leaves, knowing that this something that the two of them have to sort out for themselves. Clarke is suddenly reminded of Athena’s warning about how she has a choice to save the world and save Bellamy and since that day when Abby said, “Start with Bellamy Blake,” her heart was at war with her head about what she would instinctively chose. 

Bellamy nods, accepting what he has to do and Clarke can see the weight of leadership settling back on his shoulders. He looks strong and power, the anger barely restrained. She wants him to stay but she knows that he has to face his demons and win when she has never really succeeded in defeating hers, he is so much stronger than she is. But she knows that together that can stand against any test the world throws at them.  Even if she’s not there physically, she needs him to know that she is standing with them for whatever he decides. 

So, before he leaves, to go face this challenge, Clarke pulls him close and kisses his cheek, softly and lingering as she whispers, “Good luck.”

She’s alone now, staring at the darkened globe as she says quietly to the empty space he’d just filled, “Come back to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from < a href=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrL3jOdAB5A&t=40s” > Good Kid from the Percy Jackson Musical < /a >   
> this scene is literally the reason for the fic

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Find me on [tumblr ](http://the-ships-to-rule-them-all.tumblr.com)


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